It sort of feels like I never post anything right now. The truth of the matter is, I've sarted a bunch of entries, but they all end up sounding lame and forced. I really don't want to become one of those horribly myopic people who get their feelings hurt and do nothing but fixate and pick at the scab and make everyone around them watch for weeks and weeks. THe fact of the matter is, though, that every time I start an entry it ends up drifting over to the topic of my being really sad and disapointed that this relationship that barely started has ended and now I'm dealing with a stupidly awkward working situation. The worst part is is that I know the only thing that will help is to just let time take its course and let myself heal and let the awkwardness wear itself out. That, unfortunately, is not how I roll. I want to fix it. Right now. I'm tired of hurting, I want to do whatever will make it go away. Just letting myself hurt and letting my ego be bruised and finding the path back to thinking I'm worthwhile is not what I want to do. I want to lose 20 lbs or learn to meditate or date someone else or whatever will make it dissapear NOW. I don't want things to feel awkward. I want to force myself to be ok around him. I want to go out for a drink and talk it through and make it ok eventhough I know that will only make things worse right now because I am still in a mean, bitter, bruised place.
Most of all, though, I want my crap back.
All right, this concludes the "poor me" heartbreak section of this diary. I can't promise I will never mention any of this again, anyone who has read this for a while knows that this situation hits quite a few of my low self esteem and self conciousness issues, but I will try to keep the whining to a minimum. It is annoying and it doesn't really make me feel any better.