There is a hole in my brain somewhere and Iíve been trying to find it so I can close it up because very important things keep falling out and it is making life rather difficult. The problem is itís a very illusive hole. I thought I had taken care of it a couple of times, but then, as soon as I think it is solved, something important falls out again and Iím back to square one. Iím sure lots of unimportant things re falling out too, but I donít notice those as much as the important things. Thatís what makes them important, I notice them. It would be easier if I could look around inside there, maybe shine a flashlight or pour water through to look for leaks. Unfortunately, my eyes are on the outside of my brain and donít do a very good job of flipping around to look behind them and there isnít much room for a flashlight. I need to find the hole and stop it up once and for all and I need to do it pretty soon. Iím tired of having to clean up the messes.
Self esteem is pretty low right now, mostly due to the hole. Itís ok, Iíll work through it and be just fine, but it is discouraging. I just need to fight the desire to just roll over and give up. I am stronger than the hole, I just need to remember that.
Iím working on two shows right now. One is going really well, the other is also fine, but a few things have fallen out of the hole and so I need to clean those things up so the show can go on. Thatís a lot of theater work, and I have a few one-offs coming up to add to it, but I sort of need it right now. I feel competent in a theater, even when I drop important stuff on the floor, I know I can fix it, itíll be ok. I donít feel that way everywhere. At the same time it makes me tired, because itís a lot of work, and being tired seems to make the hole bigger.
Maybe thereís a surgery out there I donít know about that can fix it.
Today is Groundhog Day. Apparently we will have an early spring this year. Hopefully it will be a wet spring. All weíve had is stupid, nasty cold; almost no rain at all.
I know this entry is no fun, I tried, Iím even listening to happy music to keep things light, but life canít always be sunshine and roses. Right now itís just a bit dark and gloomy.