I am sad today. I was doing fine and all was well, but now Iím very sad. Itís funny, isnít it, how quick these things can hit sometimes? And for no apparent reason? So yeah, sad. Hopefully it wonít stick, Iíve had enough sad and frustrated that I can explain lately, I donít need more that I canít.
Speaking of all this, my birthday is coming in two weeks. Iím thinking I just want to ignore it. I donít feel very celebratory and no one else seems to care much either. I dunno, Iíve never been a good birthday planner, I just donít have the innate ability to get events together the way some folks do. So, I just hem and haw trying to come up with something interesting and finally give up and email folks three days before with happy hour plans. Of course, most folks arenít free on three daysí notice so my parties are generally pretty lackluster events. Add to that so many of my friends are now married and/or have kids and that weeds attendance down even more. So, while I know logically that it isnít a personal reflection and that I need to plan better if I want a big thing, I end up feeling sorta let down and unlovable at the end of the whole thing. The other option, having someone else get a thing together, has never occurred either (well, not since Senior year of High School, anyway). It isnít that I expect that to happen, I mean, first off, I havenít done it for anyone else (yeah, the inability to plan extends to events for others too) and seeing as Iíve never had a boyfriend or Best Friend other significant-other-type person on my birthday there isnít really an obvious person to do so. So yeah, I think itís just a good idea to ignore it given my mind set right now.
Iím just going to lay out there that I completely realize how, ďPoor me, my paltry, completely self-created problems are so very troubling to my sad, privileged self. Also, my diamond shoes are ever so tight.Ē this all sounds, I do. I completely realize these are not REAL problems, but unfortunately, sometimes not-real problems are problems just because of how they fuck with your head. Iím trying to just put myself in Ďsuck it up, buttercupí mode, but itís proving hard this time. Honestly, part of me isnít even sure that writing it out like this is even helpful, like itís just adding to the wallowing that I shouldnít be allowing myself, but at the same time I have no idea how else to deal with this except to just get it out somewhere and this is the safest venue since so few people actually read it (Though those that do are awesome and wise. Hi fifi!) and those that do arenít part of my offline existence so it feels removed in an odd, safe way.
I really want to get back into my gym routine, but itís proving really difficult. Having my gym partner tell me he doesnít want to go with me anymore has proved way more discouraging than I had anticipated when I thought this might be coming. I was doing so well, and I was so happy with how it was going, but the fact of the matter is, if Iím not accountable to someone else in a very real, direct way I have zero will power. Also, that person needs to be someone who will actually push me to work harder and encourage me to move forward, so just having any old person who doesnít really care isnít going to work. I canít afford a trainer or anything, that really isnít an option in any way, and I donít have anyone else that is interested in doing this kind of thing with me, so Iím kind of stuck. Again, this is kinda poor me, but at the same time itís also just a matter of I canít see a way out of this puzzle and itís discouraging.
The thing is this, while Iím a pretty friendly person Iím not an especially social one. I donít really have all that large a circle of friends, and for the most part that works for me. The down side of such a situation is I donít have all that many people to turn to, so when one of them can no longer fill a roll there often isnít another person to readily take their place, so it just leaves a hole that I canít really fill and I end up just feeling very lost and let down, even if it isnít really that personís fault that they canít be that person for me anymore. I also have a very hard time asking for help. I really hate feeling like a burden or like Iím forcing people to do things for me, even if I logically know Iím being silly.
Iím also starting to find myself in the situation where my core group of closest friends and I really arenít in the same life place at this point. We all still love each other very much, and it isnít like our friendships are going to disappear, but as far as the day to day stuff goes, weíre going in opposite directions so I am finding myself sort of foundering a lot with either no one available to help me with what I need, or just not having anyone who gets it or is able to step in, even if they wanted to help, because itís just not their realm of reality right now. So yeah, I kinda need some new friends, but Iíve never been good at making new friends, at least not new friends that stick, if that makes sense. It takes me a long time to feel like I can really just call someone up and invite them out without it being annoying or to lean on them when I need to without feeling presumptuous or pathetic. If I am being really honest I never actually get over that completely. There have been times what Iíve not called my oldest friend because I didnít want to be a pain. So, basically, I wait for everyone to come to me, and of course they donít because unless you meet people halfway they really donít know you are even interested in being around them. But that requires getting over my phone phobia and feelings of inadequacy and dislike of making plans. Basically, Iím tired of feeling like Iím standing on the outside edge of the circle. You know that feeling, when you know that you arenít unwanted, everyone is fine with you being around, but your presence isnít really desired either. We all experience this sometimes; itís the name of the game for everyone at some point. Iím just getting tired of feeling that all the time, in every social situation, that everyone could take me or leave me. I do know that a lot of this is of my own making, as I have said above, and that I am the only one who can change these things, but it feels so very overwhelming. And scary. Basically, I still want to be a cool kid but feel like I only have Chess Club status. And I donít even know how to play chess.