Iím not good with money. I never have been. It isnít so much that I want a lot of things or that everything needs to be fancy designer foo foo, I really donít care about any of that. Itís more that numbers really donít mean anything to me; it just doesnít link up in my brain. I mean obviously put three apples on a table and I can tell you there are three and I know what that means, Iím not stupid. But when you get into a more abstract concept like arithmetic problems on a page or, say, a conceptual use of numbers like money, and itís very hard for me to put it together as ďreal.Ē So, that means I am really, really bad at budgeting and keeping track of money. It just sort ofÖ disappears when Iím not looking. Itís funny, Iíve tried everything, so many people have ďthe wayĒ to solve this. I have been told I absolutely need to operate on a cash only basis, because hard money is way more Ďrealí and therefore easier to realize what youíre spending. Yeah, so tried that. It turns out I spend cash money way faster than I do with my debit card or whatever. At least with my debit card I actually have to stop and realize there is math involved, even if I canít really comprehend it or keep track of it in my head. With cash itís just random little slips of paper I hand out willy-nilly and people give me other things in return and suddenly, ďOops!Ē Iím out of little slips of paper and still need to figure out how Iím going to eat for the next week. The only up side to this is that I hate having change in my pockets, so pretty much every day I throw it into a jar. That fill sup pretty quick when Iím running cash only.
Right now I keep a running check register in my phone. So far that works OK, but I tend to forget to put things in it. Thatís just a habit thing more than anything else, but at the same time it does make it hard because while I want to trust it if I donít stay super duper diligent on double checking it against my account online(Iím not known for my super duper diligence on things like this. I can be very forgetful.) itís very easy for me to forget about things and end up in a bigger mess because I relied on this false number that was higher than it should have been because I forgot to add Wednesdayís lunch or whatever. So, Iím trying to stay on it, check every other day or so, but man, itís hard. Also, I make just enough to pay the bills and eat and maybe go out once or twice a month. That leaves very, very little room for error.
So yeah. I have no idea where Iím going with this, other than I need to pay off my stupid debt, which Iím chugging along at the best I can, and find a job that pays better, and change my neural pathways so I can better understand the concept of money as a real thing that doesnít actually exist. Oh, and be less impulsive and more realistic about what is actually needed to survive, number wise.