I�m not good with money. I never have been. It isn�t so much that I want a lot of things or that everything needs to be fancy designer foo foo, I really don�t care about any of that. It�s more that numbers really don�t mean anything to me; it just doesn�t link up in my brain. I mean obviously put three apples on a table and I can tell you there are three and I know what that means, I�m not stupid. But when you get into a more abstract concept like arithmetic problems on a page or, say, a conceptual use of numbers like money, and it�s very hard for me to put it together as �real.� So, that means I am really, really bad at budgeting and keeping track of money. It just sort of� disappears when I�m not looking. It�s funny, I�ve tried everything, so many people have �the way� to solve this. I have been told I absolutely need to operate on a cash only basis, because hard money is way more �real� and therefore easier to realize what you�re spending. Yeah, so tried that. It turns out I spend cash money way faster than I do with my debit card or whatever. At least with my debit card I actually have to stop and realize there is math involved, even if I can�t really comprehend it or keep track of it in my head. With cash it�s just random little slips of paper I hand out willy-nilly and people give me other things in return and suddenly, �Oops!� I�m out of little slips of paper and still need to figure out how I�m going to eat for the next week. The only up side to this is that I hate having change in my pockets, so pretty much every day I throw it into a jar. That fill sup pretty quick when I�m running cash only.

Right now I keep a running check register in my phone. So far that works OK, but I tend to forget to put things in it. That�s just a habit thing more than anything else, but at the same time it does make it hard because while I want to trust it if I don�t stay super duper diligent on double checking it against my account online(I�m not known for my super duper diligence on things like this. I can be very forgetful.) it�s very easy for me to forget about things and end up in a bigger mess because I relied on this false number that was higher than it should have been because I forgot to add Wednesday�s lunch or whatever. So, I�m trying to stay on it, check every other day or so, but man, it�s hard. Also, I make just enough to pay the bills and eat and maybe go out once or twice a month. That leaves very, very little room for error.

So yeah. I have no idea where I�m going with this, other than I need to pay off my stupid debt, which I�m chugging along at the best I can, and find a job that pays better, and change my neural pathways so I can better understand the concept of money as a real thing that doesn�t actually exist. Oh, and be less impulsive and more realistic about what is actually needed to survive, number wise.