I need to draw more. I really miss having that outlet in my life. I also used to be good at it. I�ve been reading the greatest e-comic and seeing the art there makes me feel dumb and lazy for not doing it myself.

My mom gave me a set of erasers and art pens for Christmas (erasers figure prominently in my drawing technique so I always need new ones� erm� what?) and I haven�t even opened the packages. That is unacceptable. Also unacceptable is the fact that I haven�t produced a single piece of frame worthy art in well over a year. Not even a photograph. A couple of good show shots, but those don�t count as far as the creativity bug counts.

I know a big part of it is I�m afraid. Afraid I lost �it.� I have a stupidly little amount of formal training, 99% of it is trial and error and asking my mom (who is incredibly talented) for help. I�m afraid that since I let it go rusty I don�t have the disciplined, learned skill to bring it back. I also don�t know if I have the patience. It will take work to get back to where I was five years ago. I don�t know if I can trust myself not to get frustrated and give up, and I wouldn�t want to give up on this. It�s one of those things where if I give up it means I lose a piece of how I identify myself and that would be devastating. I know that sounds incredibly melodramatic, and I know it is, and on one level I don�t mean it in that way. On another, more primal level, though, it is completely true.

I also just miss the outlet, the chance to pour all the pent up crap onto a page, even if it is crap. I�ve been using other coping mechanisms, some healthy, some not so much, but they really aren�t the same. I can�t say I was happier when I was drawing, (in true emo, Van Gough style my best work seems to occur when I am the most miserable) but I was definitely more� centered? Aware? I�m not sure, but there was something there that isn�t right now and I want it back. At the same time, I can�t really force it; �it� doesn�t work that way (see: lack of formal training). �It� needs to be coaxed out of hiding, I need to start small, almost not trying, in order to coax it back out into the daylight, shake off the cobwebs and render �it� useful again. It�ll be shy and skittish and run away again at the worst possible times and I�ll need to relay the trail of breadcrumbs and start again.

Step one: Unwrap erasers.