A Day's Worth of Crap
There is so much in my head right now, I donít know where to start. Things are so messed up. I feel like the world is just flipping around until I fall down and then laughing at me when I try to stand up.
So, Iíve been talking to the friend Iíve been telling you about. It was a little weird, and a lot has been going on, but it seemed ok. Then we talked again last night, and Iím not sure what happened, but it all really went down hill. It is probably good, because we need to hash through the crap before we can get back to normal, but it was a painful conversation and I guess there have been some misconceptions on both sides as to what is happening and it ended on a weird note. He then called me this morning and said he didnít want to see me when I was in LA. This is a lot more painful to type than I thought it would be. He doesnít want to never see me again or anything, but just not right now. Logically, looking at the situation he is probably right, but it doesnít make it hurt any less to be dismissed out of hand like that.
I also realized I was really building things up in my head and making all of these, well, fantasies is the wrong word, but I guess scenarios about what would happen and all of them were really positive and I donít think thatís how it would be right now and we probably should just test out the waters for a little while. I have a really bad habit of that. As much as I tell other people (especially this friend) that life is not a movie and it isnít going to follow the screenplay in your head I still write it in my head myself all the time and then I am disappointed when the rest of the cast ignores their scripted lines. I feel like Iím justifying his decision so I donít feel so stupid. I donít know what I think. Iím not used to getting phone calls at 7am from friends telling me they canít deal with me right now. Iíve spent the whole morning trying really hard not to cry at work. The thing is, Iím not really horribly sad, itís disappointing that things arenít going the way that I want, but I understand a little better whatís going on and Iím dealing with it. Itís more that it is just so frustrating and Iíve sort of been dragged into this drama that is sort of spiraling out of control and I am so overwhelmed and frustrated and Iím having a hard time keeping it together today.
The worst part is that Iím supposed to have a ďMeetingĒ with one of the Asst. GMís today. It is going to suck. We had a situation that was discovered a little while ago and Iíve been doing what I can to remedy it, but it is a big, snarly mess that goes back a couple of years and was basically caused by the fact that there are so few people working here at this point there is no one checking anyone elseís work and since we are a company of human beings sometimes one of us will make a mistake. Now, these specific mistakes do technically fall under my department, so I took on trying to fix them. I have made huge progress, Iíve cleared up more than half of them, but, of course, no one around here will acknowledge that part of the situation and will only focus on the ones that havenít been fixed. I am now supposed to have a meeting with this guy and explain to him exactly why I canít go back in time and stop people from making the mistakes they made. I really donít know if I can handle this today. Iím hanging on by a thread as it is and I donít need to feel like yet another person is attacking me.
I also have to go to a theater meeting tonight and if someone there behaves the way I think they will, Iím just going to leave. One of the company members is getting a bit confrontational and demanding and it isnít cute. I think I might be under fire a bit at that meeting as well, not for something I did wrong, but because I have been the most vocally against snippy pants, and I am flat out just not going to put up with it tonight. It is just too much for one day.
Why is this happening to me right now? What did I throw out into the great karmic soup to deserve all of this coming down on me right now? Most importantly, how do I get through it and fix it? Iím so very tired right now. Not sleepy, just freaking emotionally done.
Part of me really doesnít care if this friendship works itself out or not. A small part, but itís still there and that makes me sad. Another part is ready to just walk on the theater company and that also makes me sad. Another part still wants to just become so completely incompetent at my job that they are forced to fire me. That also makes me sad, as much as Iím ready to move on from this job I donít want to do it that way.
I have to clean off my desk today. Iíve let it get really bad and I almost canít type anymore. It is the last thing I want to do today, but I will probably feel better after itís done.
I really hope a couple of the company members are up for a drink after the meeting. I could really use one today.
I also need to learn how to not think about things that I am obsessing over and just let them go for a little while. It is so very hard. I have never been good at meditating or anything like that. Actually, when I try to meditate I usually end up hearing the Muzak version of The Girl From Ipanema in my head. Yes, I need help.
I bought an Iron and Wine CD during lunch. Iím hoping the pretty, calm music will help. I usually just prefer to have things quiet, but right now I need the distraction. Hopefully it will help a little bit. Iím also going into the grey area on my Lenten fast and eating a candy bar. I think Baby Jebus will understand.
In other news, the High School show is up and running and actually looks pretty good. There are a few things I would change if I had the time and resources, but overall I can live with it. It isnít going down in history as the best design ever, but there are some pretty moments.
Due to the unexpected phone call (the funny thing is, I knew it was coming, I just didnít expect it so early) I ran out of the house and totally forgot to brush my teeth. My mouth feels all ucky and morning-breathish even though itís almost 4pm. At least I get to leave here soon.
I was hoping to spend the time between work and the meeting walking around downtown, since I wonít be able to get to the gym tonight and any walking is better than no walking, but it is rainingÖ againÖ and Iím not sure that will be a very viable option. Maybe, though. I had been thinking about heading over to H&M to see if they had anything cute to take to LA with me, granted I was thinking this when I thought I would need my ego at itís strongest to meet up with the Friend, but it might be nice to have something cute anyway, especially since itís almost summer and Iím going someplace where it will actually be warm and sunny (knock wood, please let it be warm and sunny). Weíll see how hard it is to find parking and all that.
Well, thanks for letting me ramble on all day. Off to my meeting. Sigh. I hope it goes well.