How does a person make themselves NOT be lazy? The ambition part is good, I have many things I want to do, I really want to do them and I know I will be happy when I do, it�s the doing part that has me stumped. I�ve always been a procrastinator, but it�s getting ridiculous. So, my question: how do I make myself want to get up and do all the things I want to do? The obvious answer is �Just decide and DO it.� I�ve heard that a couple times and each time I want to just look at the person and say, �Oh my fucking God, of course! How come I didn�t think of that?! You are fucking brilliant!� Seriously, do you think I haven�t tried that? What I need to know is how to make the resolution stick when it is early in the morning and bed is so warm and cozy and I haven�t gotten to spend nearly enough time in it for way too long. I�m on my own, there is no one else to say, �Hey! Get up! Right now!� I don�t drink coffee, so unless they can develop a chai heater/ milk foamer that you set on a timer I can�t do that, and the way I�ve been lately I would probably just let it burn anyway. It really is a conundrum.

Even super simple things, like writing checks to pay the bills, I feel like I�m pulling my own teeth. Granted, I don�t like that one because I have to watch all my money go flying down the mail chute, but it isn�t physically demanding, hell I could do it from bed, and I just don�t. I eventually do that one, though, because I really like car insurance and I don�t think Roommate is too keen on giving up electricity just yet. I�ve also just not done things I really enjoy, like drawing, because I have to dig out the paper, and then find the pencil and then figure out what I want to draw� it�s so much easier to stay where I am and go back to sleep.

I�m sort of thinking about going in to the doctor for a check up. I�m 98% sure there�s nothing wrong with me, well, not medically anyway, but it really is starting to get ridiculous and it couldn�t hurt, why else do I have health insurance anyway? At least then I could rule out anemia or whatever else make people really sleepy and listless.

I know I�m also under a lot of un-obvious stress right now too, which can�t be helping. There is the obvious stress from booking myself to tightly, which I know about and makes sense, but really shouldn�t be that bad, especially because it is pretty short term, but there is also the more illusory stuff, all the �big issues� I�ve mentioned here before. All the crappy nebulous stuff about that illusory �future� and some rough patches in a few friendships and things like that which I don�t feel directly, but I know are taking their toll. Ironically, I can�t do anything to alleviate that stuff without finding the energy to do all the stuff I�m just not doing because I would rather sleep, or watch TV, or basically just not move. Or at least not be industrious.

I think I�m also a bit overwhelmed because I have so many things I want to do right now, I have trouble picking what to do. A lot of it involves a sizable financial or major time investment, which is also a bit discouraging. I need to find ways to break this stuff down and make it seem more doable, less daunting. Though even the most doable thing sounds hard right now. Like, �OK, I have Sunday off. My goal for the day is to get up before 10am and go to Target.� That was my only goal for the entire day. There were other thoughts of laundry, and finishing a skirt I started, maybe a movie, but nothing concrete, just get up at the pretty late hour of 10am and go to Target. That was the day I slept 20 hours. Granted, I think my body did have something else going on with itself that day, 20 hours is a bit much, even for me, but it is a good illustration of the recent trend. Getting up every morning for work is physically painful lately. It makes no difference whatsoever how much I sleep. I can go to bed at 9 or 1 and I feel the same in the morning. I think that�s the stress stuff talking. I don�t think I�m sleeping very well. �Really, you don�t say? Whatever gave you that idea?� Shut up.

Well, in a different vein showing that I can be moderately active when the mood strikes, I swam about a third of a mile yesterday (That would be 20 laps). That�s not great, but honestly it is better than I thought I�d do. My goal for next time is 25, then 30, and so forth on up to 70 and the 1 mile mark. I guess from there I start working on how long it takes. I�m pretty slow right now.

Time to move along to the next job.