So, I have been single for just about 5 years now. I go through different phases on how I feel about this but in general, I like being on my own. Lately, though, I haven�t been too keen on this fact. I don�t exactly want to be in a relationship now but I�m feeling like there is something wrong with the fact that I haven�t dated anyone in so long. Now, I realize this is sill y on many levels. I�m sad because my past isn�t what I want it to be. I want my past to be different so I can feel better about where I am now. What, pray tell, am I actually supposed to do about this? Stupid.

I think I�m basically suffering from 5th-wheelitis. I�ve been the tag-along quite a bit lately and I think it�s getting to me. Also, I�ve been re-accessing a lot of my life right now (as if anyone who has read the previous entries couldn�t tell) and I think I have this bizarre Disney fantasy of some kind locked in my subconscious that this is one area of your life where things should pretty much be able to take care of themselves. I mean, sure, it can�t be perfectly smooth sailing, but at the same time things should just sort of carry themselves along and that really is not happening. Again, I see the error in my logic here, but I can�t help it to a certain extent, especially when I�m a bit overwhelmed by other things.

The other thing that is prompting this is an email I received yesterday from a really good friend of mine. He�s in graduate school and is just generally frazzled and overextended so even though I consider him to be one of my best and closest friends, I really don�t hear from him very much anymore. Well, it had been several months since I got any news of his existence so I sent out an email asking if he was still alive. I got the reply yesterday and I�m very confused what to think. He told me yes, he�s alive and doing great and moving in with is girlfriend as he wrote the letter. I was gobsmacked. The last time I talked to him he was still MARRIED to the girl he had been hitched to when we met. They were in the process of getting divorced, but papers hadn�t even been drawn up yet. Yes, I know you can have a girlfriend in the process of getting divorced, but he and his wife had sort of decided on this unspoken rule of waiting until the divorce was at least filed before anything like that happened. Anyway, that�s not what freaked me out. I�m really happy for him and am actually stoked that he�s so excited and moving on in life. The thing that hurt was that this is the first I�ve heard of this girl. It�s obvious from how he�s talking about her that it is serious and I�m kind of upset he hadn�t said anything. If something like this happened to me he would be the FIRST person I told. I dunno. I think maybe this is upsetting to me because I�ve had this idea of what our friendship was about for so long and now this is sort of glaringly pointing out that he doesn�t see it the same way at all. The whole time I�m typing this all I can think is �you sound like you�re back in High School. Grow the fuck up. People change, their priorities change and they don�t always take everything along.� Knowing that really doesn�t make this hurt less, though. I really don�t have many really close friends and he has always been the closest, at least until he left for school, and losing one really is a big deal for me. I think I just need to talk to him, which I won�t be able to do until at least Sunday, and then maybe this will work itself out. I hope so.
Ah, the drama of it all

Anyway, it feels like I�ve done nothing but complain here, so I�m sharing some good news now. This Saturday are the Shellie Awards! What the hell are the Shellie Awards, you ask? Well, the Diablo regional art something or other one of my theaters belongs to has an awards night every year for all the theaters in the area. Kind of like the Tony�s, only in the East Bay and with Community Theater. Anyway, all of the theaters enter their shows for different categories and then a panel of judges votes for the winner. It is really very cheesy, actually, but it is also fun and it is a nice thing for everyone involved. Anyway, the main thing is that I am nominated TWICE this year, once for best lighting design, play and once for best lighting design, musical. My very first nominations. Yay! Anyway, the awards ceremony is Saturday and my parents and sister are coming with me. I have a very pretty dress to wear that I look fabulous in, if I do say so myself. I�m actually getting much more excited than I thought I would be even though I really don�t think I�ll win. It is my very first time being nominated and I�m up against some rather heavy hitters in the area, or at least folks who have been doing this much longer than I have. We�ll see, though. As they always say, it�s an honor just to be nominated. Also, that�s all I really need to pump up my resume, anyway.

Well, let�s leave it at that for now, that�s plenty of angst for one day.