I am facing a conundrum. It seems Iím at a place now where I need to make some major decisions and Iím not sure how to begin. I have stated that I need a new job. Which I do. I have also stated that Iím having trouble figuring out where to go with that and how to convince them to take me on when I do figure it out. This is also still true. I feel kind of like Iím fumbling around blindfolded trying to figure out what will work by just grabbing things blindly and trying to guess how it goes. As much as I do feel like I learned a lot and gained an incredible amount of practical skill in college, Iím finding myself wishing more and more that I had maybe studied something with a little more diversity and practical application. It would make it so much easier in some ways. I know Iím not unique in realizing that what I studied in school isnít what I actually want to do for a living, but at the same time this is one of those Ďother people donít matter right now because that doesnít help MEí situations. I feel like I need to keep trying here at the current job, but at the same time I do. Not. Care. I mean, I do in that I have work ethic, and I have my little projects that I like to finish just because I like to finish things, but this job kind of sucks my soul. I donít really care if I get promoted, other than for the obvious financial reasons. Iím ready to do something different. But what? Where? How?
Also, Iím going to lose my gym partner soon. This is distressing me way more than it should. I am not a motivated person when it comes to this. I never in my life have been, I know this. In order to stay diligent and keep up and improve I must be answerable to someone other than myself. Now Iím going to lose that and I donít know what to do. Every time Iíve talked about this to someone the answer is, ďoh no, youíll keep it up, youíll figure it out.Ē No. No I wonít. I really wonít. Iíll keep on for about a month or two then start making excuses. Hell I already do that when current partner is out of town. I know myself very well on this one. It also makes me sad because this is a good friend that I really click with on a level I donít often connect with people. The way life has been flowing along lately gym time is really the only time we get together and really catch up and do the good connection thing. Iím super depressed that itís going to go away. I really think that we will pretty much never see each other alone anymore. Itís dumb but I feel kind of like Iím being dropped on two levels at once. I know Iím overreacting a bit, especially because nothing has actually happened yet, but it still makes me sad, especially because Iím in such a confused place lately. Having this ability to confide in someone I really trust who really gets me on a regular basis has been important.
So yeah, I also wish I could learn to just let go of things for awhile. My brain is running 300mph all the time. Iím dwelling and worst-case-scenario-ing all over the place and it is not helping anything. I wish I could figure out not necessarily how to ignore it, because these are important things, but figure out how to just distance a bit and let it go for a while. Stop the train from running in circles, as it were. I had someone tell me not so long ago, ďyou know, not to say you should stop trying to move forward, but you need to realize, do really donít have anything to worry about. Itís all going to be OK.Ē I wish I could figure out how to embrace that feeling.