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Holding Pattern
2007-03-26 - 4:45 p.m.

I hate this part of a breakup. Iím not horribly upset anymore, but at the same time Iím still hurt and donít want anything to do with the guy. At the same time, there is a wee small part of me who wants to see him and have him start eating his heart out. I need to give him back the stuff he had at my house and I pep talked myself up to do it this morning, and he goes and calls in sick to work. Bastard. I look adorable, too. Now I have to go through this kind of effort again tomorrow.

Iím also trying to figure out if I should give him the birthday card I bought him. All of my online girlfriends say no, but I sort of want to anyway. I have a feeling Iím falling back into the movie script in my head where a small gesture like that holds grand meaning and causes great realizations in itís recipient, when in all likelihood he really wonít care at all. That was the point of why he broke up with me, he likes me, just not enough. Giving him the card will probably just make me look desperate and pathetic. I donít know, well at least now I have until tomorrow to figure it out.

The musical is open and looks better than we had all thought it would. Iím pretty proud of the kids, at the last minute they managed to pull a decent show out of their collective asses. Wednesday I was convinced it was going to blow.

Now I go back to Stage Managing the straight play. As much as I love working on that one, it has really become increasingly more and more emotionally draining. I swear the show is cursed. The directorís husband has terminal cancer which has started to rocket downhill, one of our actresses had a nasty medical scare that they are still trying to figure out the exact cause of, I came thisclose to being unemployed, and Iím the second person to get dumped in the cast and crew. Weíve also had the usual bouts of nasty colds and flus, etc. but it just feels like we are really being tested to see what we can tolerate and itís getting old. I donít know if I can handle this all the way through May. I need to stop booking myself like this. I know I say that all the time, but I am really getting to a place where I canít do this emotionally anymore. I need breaks, I need recovery time, I need to not let this stupid theater stuff ruin relationships. I donít know that it ruined this one, or if it wouldíve happened the exact same way anyhow, but I have a sneaking suspicion it was at least a part of it.

Iím going back to the gym tomorrow. Iím going to bring my running shoes and a change of clothes to work and Iím going to the branch of my gym down the block from my office to try it out. My gym is renovating parts of it, so we can use any branch right now, so I figure itís the perfect time to see if I should expand to a city wide membership. I also need to get my head back on straight, and it felt a lot clearer when I was going to the gym regularly. I figure I can go on Tuesdays, and Fridays, maybe Thursdays, as well as possibly Sundays (There is an intense yoga class I love to take on Sunday, but itís at 4:30-6, which is a lot more inconvenient a lot more often that I originally thought it would be.). Not to mention my ego needs to get rid of the six pounds Iíve gained back and hopefully lose more. I rely pretty heavily on the look-good-outside-until-you-feel-better-inside school after a breakup. If my ass looks good and my stomach is flat (or at least flatter), I feel like I can still hold my head up in front of the loser who dumped me. I know itís petty and shallow, but it helps me so I go with it.
Now Iíve been working on this off and on for most of the day now, so I guess I better just post it so I can leave on time.

when we last left our herosÖ - in our next exciting installmentÖ