Weekend Navel Gazing
2006-08-06 - 10:58 p.m.

I did very little I was supposed to this weekend. Iíve been very distracted, I just canít focus on anything, and the few times I have been able to, I just canít get together the will to do the action. Itís the weekend, and so maybe itís my body just saying STOP, but at the same time, it doesnít change the fact that some things need to get done. I go through phases like this, it sucks but it passes. Right now is n inconvenient time for one, though. I think a big part of it stems from feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Too much to do and I canít prioritize what is the most important.

I feel like so much is running around in my head but there are no words for the thoughts. That is also frustrating because I usually have enough words. Iím trying not to give in to the frustration in stupid ways, ie. drinking or binging on ice cream or sleeping all day, though I have been oversleeping too much lately. I did buy myself a present on Saturday, ok, two presents, which helped a little bit, but it didnít make the problems go away, you know?

I think the biggest thing is the things Iím dealing with arenít really problems per se, just stuff that isnít making me happy anymore. I think that really isnít helping either, because problems have solutions, there arenít really solutions to this crap, I just have to keep making changes until it feels right again and that is so exhausting.

I just realized I had zero caffeine today. I wonder if thatís part of why I feel so strange. I want to go to bed but Iím not sleepy. I also need to shower but I donít want to get up. I know Iíll overcome that one, though. Iím pretty gross right now and I know Iím not that far gone yet. I went to pilates this evening, so Iíve got the whole dried sweat thing going on and I canít get into bed without washing first.

I am looking forward to tomorrow, a little anyway. If I can get through work Iíll have a double whammy pilates followed by yoga evening. I will whip my ass into shape if itís the last thing I do. I havenít been talking about it too much because Iím trying to not let it take over, but Iíve lost 15 pounds at this point and itís really starting to show. Iíve dropped one pants size and I hope to be down one more soon, as long as I hang tough and donít give it to all my stupid emotional cravings. I call them stupid because they are really strong and they are for really bad for me things, like yummy, yummy soft, buttery empty carbohydrate bread sticks. The worst part is if I give in and eat them itís supposed to make me feel better but it doesnít, I just feel like I ate too much.

Anyway, it is getting late and I have to go to work tomorrow, whether I want to or not.

when we last left our herosÖ - in our next exciting installmentÖ