Up in the Air Junior Birdman!
Up in the air, upside down. Up in the air, Junior Birdman! Keep your nose up off the ground.
Thatís from a song we used to sing in Girl Scouts, and it pretty much sums up my state of mind right now.
My roommate told me sheís going to move out at the end of June. Iím a little bummed, sheís been a good roommate, but she needs to do what she needs to do. Whatís really freaking me out is that sheís leaving in July instead of August. It is almost impossible to find a roommate in July. All of the students move to town in August and that is just sort of the time to look. The other thing that kind of sucks is that I was sort of thinking about trying to move into a place I could live on my own in. I canít do that until I get another job, though, and I donít see that necessarily happening before the end of next month. Basically this has thrown all of my decision making into fast-forward and it has done it in a month that isnít really the greatest for it. The only plus is that July is a pretty ok time to look for an empty apartment because all the students leave at the end of May and the new ones donít show up until August, so I do have that for me. I just donít want to make the jump to paying that much more for rent without knowing Iíll have the increased income to cover it. This also means Iíll probably have to spend my four day Fourth of July weekend moving in a new roommate instead of leaving town, as I had hoped. I have decided, though, that Iím not sharing the garage anymore. Iíll add to my rent to make up for it, but Iíve been there for five years, I handle the rent getting mailed and all the utilities at this point and I can make the rules.
One of these days something will work out in my favor. I really canít have everything pitted against me all the time, can I?
I really need to not think about it right now and just go one day at a time for a little while. If I really have to I can pay double rent (well, it would be triple, since I would have to pay the full rent for the place Iím in now in July.) and just make it work for one very sucky month. Or find a roommate and leave in six months. Thatís kind of an assy thing to do, but if I help them find a new person it isnít too bad. There are just so many uncertainties right now. I hate too many uncertainties. One or two I can handle, but not all of this all at once. Man, itís just too much. I need to pow wow with a couple smart, logical friends over a beer or two, I think.
In other news, I might have a visit from a friend I havenít seen in years next month. He might come home to see his folks and if he does he said heíd save an afternoon for me. Now with how everything is, I could really use the new, happy face. I donít want to get my hopes up too much, though, since nothing is certain. He doesnít know yet if he will be able to come or not, and he probably wonít until almost right before he leaves. Still more uncertainty, though at least this one has a positive outcome at itís core, and if it doesnít work out itíll be disappointing, but it wonít change the course of my life here.
Itís times like this I start to regret my decision to stop biting my fingernails. I have gone three weeks without chewing on them, though, so thatís at least going wellÖ even of it is the HARDEST THING IíVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE. I canít not think about my fingernails lately. Especially because they are at the point where they are trying to grow over the little calluses that have formed at the edges of my nail beds over the years. I know that sounds really gross, but you canít really see them, I can feel them, though, and it just makes them all the more omnipresent in my brain right now. The other thing Iím running into, and I think this is common because Iíve heard the same sentiment from other nail biters, is that when you bite your fingernails for most of your life, there is never any open space under your nails, and the first thing you notice when you stop biting them and start letting them grow is just how much gross crap ends up under your nails. Now, if you donít bite your nails, you probably donít even notice, it logically isnít much and most of it gets washed away when you wash your hands, but for those of us who have never experienced it, it is just disgusting. This means Iíve had to wear polish dark enough that I canít see whatís under my nails. Which means itís pretty dark so all the chips show. Which means Iíve been polishing my nails more or less every other day. Thatís a lot of drying time. It does help with the diet, though.
I just counted 15 bottle caps on my desk right now. I am so cluttered sometimesÖ most times.