2006-02-09 - 5:02 p.m.

How does a person make themselves NOT be lazy? The ambition part is good, I have many things I want to do, I really want to do them and I know I will be happy when I do, itís the doing part that has me stumped. Iíve always been a procrastinator, but itís getting ridiculous. So, my question: how do I make myself want to get up and do all the things I want to do? The obvious answer is ďJust decide and DO it.Ē Iíve heard that a couple times and each time I want to just look at the person and say, ďOh my fucking God, of course! How come I didnít think of that?! You are fucking brilliant!Ē Seriously, do you think I havenít tried that? What I need to know is how to make the resolution stick when it is early in the morning and bed is so warm and cozy and I havenít gotten to spend nearly enough time in it for way too long. Iím on my own, there is no one else to say, ďHey! Get up! Right now!Ē I donít drink coffee, so unless they can develop a chai heater/ milk foamer that you set on a timer I canít do that, and the way Iíve been lately I would probably just let it burn anyway. It really is a conundrum.

Even super simple things, like writing checks to pay the bills, I feel like Iím pulling my own teeth. Granted, I donít like that one because I have to watch all my money go flying down the mail chute, but it isnít physically demanding, hell I could do it from bed, and I just donít. I eventually do that one, though, because I really like car insurance and I donít think Roommate is too keen on giving up electricity just yet. Iíve also just not done things I really enjoy, like drawing, because I have to dig out the paper, and then find the pencil and then figure out what I want to drawÖ itís so much easier to stay where I am and go back to sleep.

Iím sort of thinking about going in to the doctor for a check up. Iím 98% sure thereís nothing wrong with me, well, not medically anyway, but it really is starting to get ridiculous and it couldnít hurt, why else do I have health insurance anyway? At least then I could rule out anemia or whatever else make people really sleepy and listless.

I know Iím also under a lot of un-obvious stress right now too, which canít be helping. There is the obvious stress from booking myself to tightly, which I know about and makes sense, but really shouldnít be that bad, especially because it is pretty short term, but there is also the more illusory stuff, all the ďbig issuesĒ Iíve mentioned here before. All the crappy nebulous stuff about that illusory ďfutureĒ and some rough patches in a few friendships and things like that which I donít feel directly, but I know are taking their toll. Ironically, I canít do anything to alleviate that stuff without finding the energy to do all the stuff Iím just not doing because I would rather sleep, or watch TV, or basically just not move. Or at least not be industrious.

I think Iím also a bit overwhelmed because I have so many things I want to do right now, I have trouble picking what to do. A lot of it involves a sizable financial or major time investment, which is also a bit discouraging. I need to find ways to break this stuff down and make it seem more doable, less daunting. Though even the most doable thing sounds hard right now. Like, ďOK, I have Sunday off. My goal for the day is to get up before 10am and go to Target.Ē That was my only goal for the entire day. There were other thoughts of laundry, and finishing a skirt I started, maybe a movie, but nothing concrete, just get up at the pretty late hour of 10am and go to Target. That was the day I slept 20 hours. Granted, I think my body did have something else going on with itself that day, 20 hours is a bit much, even for me, but it is a good illustration of the recent trend. Getting up every morning for work is physically painful lately. It makes no difference whatsoever how much I sleep. I can go to bed at 9 or 1 and I feel the same in the morning. I think thatís the stress stuff talking. I donít think Iím sleeping very well. ďReally, you donít say? Whatever gave you that idea?Ē Shut up.

Well, in a different vein showing that I can be moderately active when the mood strikes, I swam about a third of a mile yesterday (That would be 20 laps). Thatís not great, but honestly it is better than I thought Iíd do. My goal for next time is 25, then 30, and so forth on up to 70 and the 1 mile mark. I guess from there I start working on how long it takes. Iím pretty slow right now.

Time to move along to the next job.

when we last left our herosÖ - in our next exciting installmentÖ