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Paranioa cha cha cha
2006-01-16 - 11:47 p.m.

So, I try to think of myself as a logical, level headed person. Notice it says tryto think. Obviosly meaning this is not always so. Right now I am freaking the fuck out because I am convinced a friend of mine is dead, or disowned me or something equally horrible. I have no proof of this, mind you, but I haven't heard from him since October and now his cell has been disconnected. There are thousands oflogical explanations for this. I keep telling myself this, but my brain keeps going back to, "he's decided he hates me," or, "something horrible has happened and he is dead/ hospitalized." I need to learn to calm down. Why do I always assume the worst in situations like this?

On other friend notes, I've sorta come to terms with the fact that my best friend from college has moved on from our friendship. It really hurts, and makes me very, very sad, but there's really nothing I can do about it so I guess Ijust have to move on as well. I hope it isn't because of his new g-friend. I didn't find out they were dating for 6 months because she told him not to tell me and I hope this isn't an extention of that, but even if it is, what the hell can I do about it? It really sucks, though, when someone you really care about and consider part of your friend family decides they just don't care that much about you anymore, because it doesn't change how I feel and rely on him, but he just cut ties with me. It's worse than being dumped by a lover. When you're dumped there is usually a moment when it's "over" and you can get mad and scream and cry and make a list of all the reasons you are better off without him, etc. But with this, it's just a drift. It isn't "over," he's just... not there anymore. I also can't get mad and say why it's good he's because, well, it isn't good. There isn't a list of reasons why he wasn't right. He's a great guy and I want him to be happy and he is fab and that's why he was such a close friend.

Is this what it means to be a gown up? I don't think I'm up for it.

I feel like I sound very High School right now and that is another thing I pride myself on NOT being. Arg. It is also very frustrating to me that I seem to have all these men in my life giving me grief and yet I've been single for 5 1/2 years and haven't gotten laid for three. It is very frustrating. I refuse to let this degenerate into a "what is wrong with me" entry, though. I am not THAT bad off here.

Well, it is time for me to get back to being 28 now, and I have to get up at the asscrack of dawn to drop my car off to get new brake pads.

Hopefully that won't be too expensive. It started squeeking a few days ago, but being a holiday weekend I couldn't take it in until tomorrow. I am so paranoid about brakes. Send good karma to Midas on Geary for me.

Do I really have to go back to being 28? Sigh.

when we last left our heros… - in our next exciting installment…