Frustration: the New Black
I am so damn frustrated. It really feels like no matter what I do or how hard I try I just canít do anything right. It fucking sucks. I donít know what to do anymore.
I feel sort of stupid; like I should be able to figure this out and just FIX it already. It just feels so big, like Iím mired in all of it or something and I just canít see the solution because I donít have a really clear view of the problem. Things just arenít working for me and it just seems like there are too many reasons why and no reasons why at the same time. Iíve sort of derailed along the way and I canít get going again. Iíve sort of thought about going back to school, but I donít really know tht that will do it because I think if I go back without figuring some of these things out Iíll be just as lost, only in school and possibly studying something I really donít want to continue to study. I would like to have a graduate degree, but Iím not so sure lighting is really the way for me to go anymore. But maybe it is, Iím just not sure. The life of a lighting designer is really hard and it requires a lot of self promotion and drive and itís not really that I donít think I could do it, itís more that I donít think I care enough to put the effort in. That makes me sort of sad and, while I know this is sort of silly, but it also makes me feel kind of bad about myself, like I think Iím really lazy because of this. Itís hard, because I thought I had found something I was good at that I could do for a while and now I see how hard other folks are pushing to do the same thing and how hard they are working and how badly they really want it and I just donít have that. I just donít care that much. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. If this is my life calling, or whatever, shouldnít I be feeling the same drive as these other people? Instead, when I get a new gig I think, ďShit, I hope I donít have to do this by myself, and I hope I donít have to do the whole thing from a ladder. Why canít more theaters have grids, damn it? Man, just the thought of all this makes me really just tired. Do I really have to do it?Ē I think part of it is all the community theater Iíve been doing. Iím sick of doing shows I really just donít care about and donít really like. There is no art in any of them and it really is pretty boring. Iím also really not a very good technician, I know this, but Iím still so much on the bottom rung that I very rarely have a crew to hang things for me. Iím also still not at a point where I am making enough of a living at this to drop the full time day job, so itís that much more tiring because I have less time to do the work and less sleep during tech weeks, etc. I just really donít know anymore and I donít know if the decision will become any clearer in my current situation, even with the Summer of No Theater in full swing.
I think Iím also a little depressed about the situation at my little theater that Iíve been working at. I think Iím being forced out. It makes me sad, actually. As much as that place is the center of my ďartless frustrationĒ I always did like the folks there and I sort of started to think of it as ďmyĒ space where I took care of things and knew where everything was. Now this new artistic director is forcing out everyone who was there before him and he isnít doing it in a very nice way. Say, eventhough I worked on every single show this season I wasnít invited to the end of season party. I found out about it through the grapevine the day before it happened. Honestly, this really hurts. Iíve put a lot of sweat and care into that company and it really doesnít seem to matter. They also havenít said anything to me about next season. I donít want to do every show again, but I would like to do one or two, and I just donít know if theyíre even going to ask me. Itís so passive aggressive and, frankly, itís bull shit. This idiot is a 26 year old upstart who has no idea how to treat other people and the Board of Directors is doing nothing to stop him. Iím not the only one this is happening to, either. My friend in the box office, the tech director, and the costumer are experiencing the same thing, and the costumer has been with the company for over 20 years! Thatís fucking rediculous to do that to her. So very lame. Well, I still have a key and a security code, so we shall see how long those work.
Iím tired of negativity. Ok, to lighten the entry, at least the very end a new word for all of us to use from smoog :
Sarchasm (n): The immense gap between how much biting wit someone thinks they have and how much they actually do.