I am so damn frustrated. It really feels like no matter what I do or how hard I try I just can�t do anything right. It fucking sucks. I don�t know what to do anymore.

I feel sort of stupid; like I should be able to figure this out and just FIX it already. It just feels so big, like I�m mired in all of it or something and I just can�t see the solution because I don�t have a really clear view of the problem. Things just aren�t working for me and it just seems like there are too many reasons why and no reasons why at the same time. I�ve sort of derailed along the way and I can�t get going again. I�ve sort of thought about going back to school, but I don�t really know tht that will do it because I think if I go back without figuring some of these things out I�ll be just as lost, only in school and possibly studying something I really don�t want to continue to study. I would like to have a graduate degree, but I�m not so sure lighting is really the way for me to go anymore. But maybe it is, I�m just not sure. The life of a lighting designer is really hard and it requires a lot of self promotion and drive and it�s not really that I don�t think I could do it, it�s more that I don�t think I care enough to put the effort in. That makes me sort of sad and, while I know this is sort of silly, but it also makes me feel kind of bad about myself, like I think I�m really lazy because of this. It�s hard, because I thought I had found something I was good at that I could do for a while and now I see how hard other folks are pushing to do the same thing and how hard they are working and how badly they really want it and I just don�t have that. I just don�t care that much. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. If this is my life calling, or whatever, shouldn�t I be feeling the same drive as these other people? Instead, when I get a new gig I think, �Shit, I hope I don�t have to do this by myself, and I hope I don�t have to do the whole thing from a ladder. Why can�t more theaters have grids, damn it? Man, just the thought of all this makes me really just tired. Do I really have to do it?� I think part of it is all the community theater I�ve been doing. I�m sick of doing shows I really just don�t care about and don�t really like. There is no art in any of them and it really is pretty boring. I�m also really not a very good technician, I know this, but I�m still so much on the bottom rung that I very rarely have a crew to hang things for me. I�m also still not at a point where I am making enough of a living at this to drop the full time day job, so it�s that much more tiring because I have less time to do the work and less sleep during tech weeks, etc. I just really don�t know anymore and I don�t know if the decision will become any clearer in my current situation, even with the Summer of No Theater in full swing.

I think I�m also a little depressed about the situation at my little theater that I�ve been working at. I think I�m being forced out. It makes me sad, actually. As much as that place is the center of my �artless frustration� I always did like the folks there and I sort of started to think of it as �my� space where I took care of things and knew where everything was. Now this new artistic director is forcing out everyone who was there before him and he isn�t doing it in a very nice way. Say, eventhough I worked on every single show this season I wasn�t invited to the end of season party. I found out about it through the grapevine the day before it happened. Honestly, this really hurts. I�ve put a lot of sweat and care into that company and it really doesn�t seem to matter. They also haven�t said anything to me about next season. I don�t want to do every show again, but I would like to do one or two, and I just don�t know if they�re even going to ask me. It�s so passive aggressive and, frankly, it�s bull shit. This idiot is a 26 year old upstart who has no idea how to treat other people and the Board of Directors is doing nothing to stop him. I�m not the only one this is happening to, either. My friend in the box office, the tech director, and the costumer are experiencing the same thing, and the costumer has been with the company for over 20 years! That�s fucking rediculous to do that to her. So very lame. Well, I still have a key and a security code, so we shall see how long those work.

I�m tired of negativity. Ok, to lighten the entry, at least the very end a new word for all of us to use from smoog :

Sarchasm (n): The immense gap between how much biting wit someone thinks they have and how much they actually do.

Awesome.