Shhhh...Mama's Watchin' Her Stories
2005-04-19 - 10:16 a.m.

So, a coworker of mine watches All My Children. He then comes back from lunch and tells me everything that happened so I can get the soapy stories (with added commentary) without having to actually spend an hour watching the show. It is a win-win situation. The funny thing about soap operas is the complete lack of timeline continuity. This is most obvious when it comes to young characters on the show. They always manage to just skip those awkward formative years and go straight from darling infant to wild teenager to successful mid-twenties adult. Co worker and I always find this to be very funny. Anyway, he found a website that gives little bios of some of the characters and this is what they said (condensed for humor):

Jamie was born in 1991. He is now a hunky young man who ran off with his stepbrother's ex-wife and kid and got thrown out of Pine Valley University.
He should be 14.

JR was born in 1989. He's now been married for a year or so and runs a
major corporation, has custody of his 1 year old baby, and got his younger stepbrother thrown out of PVU.
He should be 16.

Bianca was born in 1988. She's had a couple of lesbian relationships, had a high position in her mother's major cosmetics company, inherited and ran Cambius Enterprises for about a year and then ran off to live in Paris with her new girlfriend and 1 year old rape baby she thought was dead for awhile.
She should be 17.

Sam was born in 1996. He just got back from being a foreign exchange student in Paris, inherited his father's huge estate, and will be learning to drive next year.
He should be 9.

Petey was born in 1992. We haven't seen him for about a year, but last seen he was a little redheaded kid. Seemed younger than the 12 years he would have been then. He should be turning up anytime now all grown up!

Awww, kids, they just grow up so fast! I love crap stories. I especially love getting the story without having to watch the bad acting with the overdramatic music and fuzzy lighting.

when we last left our heros… - in our next exciting installment…